Bons Mots
by Glorfirien
Summary: The voice really did tell me to do it. I swear. She’s very persuasive.[Thus follows a collection of letters which were mentioned in Why Me? which should be read prior to this for full understanding. Humor.]
1. An Escapee's Letter

**Bons Mots**

Glorfirien

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Summary/WARNING: "If you are reading this then I am...hiding in Daniel's closet." Thus follows acollection of letters which were made mention of in** Why Me? **which should be read prior to this for full understanding. Humor. 

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

Again: _**!READ WHY ME? FIRST!**_

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Author's Notes: Well, it's short but it's a start. Here goes. Hope I amuse and that it tides you over while I get into gear for a sequel (hopefully). Remember to review. Or else. I don't know what else. Yet.

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Dear Unnamed Reader, 

If you are reading this then I am either:

A. Under lock and key in one the SGC's most impenetrable cells.

B. Scott free after having successfully made a mockery of the USAF, Marines, Army, etc. by escaping a heavily secured and extremely secret base.

C. Standing in front of you and you glare, rage, or enter into a apoplectic tirade after catching me in my pathetic attempt of escape.

D. Myself, re-reading the note and making sure it contains the required amount of wit and sarcasm.

E. None of the Above

If the answer is A then please make sure that Mitchell fulfills his end of the deal and gives me my tiramisu. Also, make sure to relocate the television and _The Lord of the Rings_ DVD's into my cell lest I go insane…er. Is insaner a word?

If you circled B then nya-nya-nya-nya-nyah! You can't catch me. HA-HA! I outmaneuvered people twice my age and with years military training. Ouch. That doesn't bode well for you guys. Geez, you're supposed to be my tax dollars at work? Sad. Well not _my_ tax dollars but American tax dollars. You know what I mean.

If you bubbled in C and are turning an interesting shade of puce, red, blue, purple, green, orange, etc. then please make sure to ignore the sniggering originating from my general direction. Also, remember to tell me where I went wrong so that I may refine my escape plan.

To answer D. Dearest self, you are doing a marvelous job. Your diction and sentence structure, your choice of irony; it's marvelous just marvelous darling. Continue driving the world insane.

E. What? Was I shot? Abducted by aliens? Being dissected? Transported to Middle Earth? Am I hiding in Daniel's closet? What? What happened to me?

I am hoping that the answer is B because then I'm away from this center for insanity, impossibility and rather bland food. Geez, you'd think that being a place where extraterrestrial races frequent you'd have food that would make them realize the wonder that is Earth cuisine, but no you have to serve crap that no sane person would even consider consuming.

Not that anyone of you people is sane.

Whatever.

Now, I'm sorry that I'm causing you a headache General Landry but I just really need to leave. I'm not trained for this and if I have to stare at gray cement walls for longer I'll pull some stupid stunt like pranking everyone in the SGC or "accidentally" releasing information about the Stargate to the public. So, in retrospect, it's better for everyone that I'm gone. You don't have to deal with my hyper lunacy and I don't become the subject of inventive questioning courtesy of the government.

Hope you kick Ori/Prior Ass,

Cindy Cardenas

P.S. Thanks for your help in financing my new wardrobe. It is very much appreciated.

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End Letter 1

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Hehehe. How many people want to kill be because the summary excerpt was misleading? Ain't I a stinker? 

There's more to come folks so keep a weather eye out.

Speaking of which. Didn't PotC rock? I drooled over Norrington. I am such a fangirl.

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	2. Mitchell? Or Aragorn?

**Bons Mots**

Glorfirien

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Summary: Fight 'til your dying breath. Then get resurrected and keep fighting. Repeat until victorious. (Thus follows a collection of letters which were mentioned in Why Me? which should be read prior to this for full understanding. Humor.)

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Here's letter two. Short and not as amusing but it begs to be posted and commented upon. I swear the sequel is in the works. It's coming along. You'll get it. Promise.

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Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

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To: Lt. Colonel "You Owe Me" Mitchell

From: Cindy "The Oracle" Cardenas

Subject: Goodbye, Farwell, Good Luck and all that.

My first impression of you was that you were a pretty cool guy. A potential friend. But, and I'm not blaming you because obviously you were kept busy wearing down your teammates good job by the way and trying to save the world/galaxy/universe, you were otherwise occupied.

I just wanted to thank you for the times when you did give me your company to stave off boredom. You got quippage son!

I still think you're insane. Leader of SG-1? Talk about flirting with death, danger and disaster. I commend you for getting your team. Not that there was ever any doubt.

Here's hoping you live long enough to experience all the lunacy that the universe heaps upon you and your team. I hope you receive all the luck Fortuna can spare and then some because you'll really need it. Don't die; Teal'c can't keep training team leaders.

And don't think I've forgotten that you owe me tiramisu. I can't believe you welshed! You're supposed to be a good guy!

Because of this grave oversight on your part I believe that you owe me dinner. Italian, Korean and Japanese are all acceptable.

Don't let the weight of the universe crush you. Literally and figuratively. Don't give into defeat. There is always a way. Fight 'til your dying breath. Then get resurrected and keep fighting. Repeat until victorious. If I ever see you again I expect you to have averted at least a pair of apocalypses (apocolypsi? I don't know ask Daniel!).

Speaking of Daniel. You two are sooooo cute. It's like two brothers who can't help but annoy the crap out of each other. Adorable. I totally disbelieve all the yaoi(1) fan girls…umm actually never mind. Forget I wrote anything.

If you ever miss me then sit in front of LotR with some good chocolate. Heck grab the whole team; you guys remind me too damn much of the fellowship. Small and rather pathetic team facing off against an enemy that they probably can't defeat…and yet they still do. Emulate them. No. You are not Aragorn. Nor are you Legolas. And you damn well better not be Boromir, he dies and doesn't come back! Neither are you Faramir. But Daniel is Gandalf hey they both come back, Gandalf is some kind of higher being Maiar, they're both lore masters that's all I know. I really thing General O'Neill is Pippin and tell him I said so.

Live Long and Kick Lots of Alien Ass,

Cindy Cardenas

P.S. Wait...Hmmm...You took over leadership of SG-1. Aragorn takes over leadership of the fellowship...Holy Moly! You** are** Aragorn! You even pulled the sword out of the stone and everything! Wow. Just don't let there be a breaking of the fellowship. You aren't heir to some kind of kingdom are you? 'Cuz that'd be super freaky.

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End Letter 2

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(1) Yaoi equals slash. Hehehehehe. I just think that if the characters ever found out about the slash elements in fanfiction they might do something drastic.

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Glorfirien

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	3. For the Geeky Immortal Monkey

**Bons Mots**

Glorfirien

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Summary: Daniel Jackson...If you must cheat then cheat death (again). (Thus follows a collection of letters which were mentioned in Why Me? which should be read prior to this for full understanding. Humor.)

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Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and backstory are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

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To: Dr. Daniel "SpaceMonkey" Jackson 

From: Cindy "Insert Epithet Here" Cardenas

I can't believe I'm going to say it but a person needs the patience of a saint to deal with you.

Okay, I'm exaggerating and it's obvious that it's not true because there are so many people who care about you and genuinely like you as a person.

Maybe it's only me who you get annoyed and short with?

I guess I can understand that.

If some snotty tweenager(1) got dumped into my life and was some harbinger of death and chaos (2) I'd probably loathe them as well.

I guess maybe it's a 'you either like me or you hate me' kind of thing.

My friend used to say that this assertion was bullshit. She said I was too damn passive and accommodating. Too much of a mediator for people to hate me.

Please wipe that skeptical look of disbelief from your face.

She's right though.

Only that was before.

Now, well I guess experiences do change people.

You'd know a lot about that I wager. From a pacifistic geek!archaeologist to a genius master in your field who will fight tooth and nail if need be for his friends and the world.

I admire you.

I don't know if you ever gleaned as much from what few conversations we had but it's true.

You are an example for the geeks. (Myself included.)

I honestly don't know what else to say.

I'm hoping that I have as much aptitude for getting out of trouble as you do (but not the tendency to get into it that you seem to be cursed with) because I think that I'm going to need it. Call it a hunch.

Regards,

Cindy Cardenas

P.S. I know it's none of my business and if the fan girls ever found out I was here and told you this they'd kill me in such a fashion that my alternate reality selves would feel it but it must be said. I get that it's probably really (almost impossibly) difficult but go out and find someone. But really, go out and look for someone, a kindred spirit with who you could see sharing your life with. Hell you might need have to go out. Just open your eyes to the possibilities. Don't say there isn't any time because the end of the world as we know it approaches it always does that, each moment just brings the inevitable inevitably closer. You deserve to have a family. I'm not pitching the American "ideal" of a housewife and 2.5 kids but little Daniels and Danielas would be cool. Kids can be such a joy (and terrors as well). You can't let those genes of yours go to waste. Oh yeah, your genius should be passed down as well. (I'm teasing/joking. Unless you don't mind a love/hate relationship with someone who is approximately two decades your junior. Just how old are you?). Wow this is a long P.S.

P.P.S Just because the two of you don't work together doesn't mean you shouldn't call General O'Neill at every opportunity in order to banter and exchange quips. He needs you to keep his wit what little he has (…Don't tell him I said that!) sharp. His cutting remarks are probably becoming dull and rusty! He needs a challenge.

P(x3).S: So I'll toast to you Daniel Jackson. Will Smith once said, "Never lie, steal, cheat, or drink. But if you must lie, lie in the arms of the one you love.  
If you must steal, steal away from bad company. If you must cheat, cheat death. And if you must drink...drink in the moments that take your breath away." (3) Wonderful but it lacks something. Therefore, it has to be especially tailored to you. "Daniel Jackson. Never lie, cheat, steal or drink. If you must lie then lie in a cleverly camouflaged trench with your comrades as the enemy passes you by. If you must cheat then cheat death (again). If you must steal, steel yourself to do what you must in order to be victorious. And Daniel, never drink because you're said to be a total lightweight but if you really have to drink then drink in celebration with those you love."

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End Letter 3

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(1) Tweenager is a Tolkien term for habbits that are neither adults nor children they are in be**tween**. 

(2) That one's for you FairyGirlIsRocking

(3) The quote is taken from Will Smith's movie Hitch and the adaptation is all mine.

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I had intended this whole series to be humorous (and this does have its moments) but it feels like this one was serious. I guess it's because I was feeling sad that Daniel didn't have a rapport with my OC. He's one of my favorites and I didn't want to further the animosity between them by insulting him. So, it's probably more sober than you guys are used to. At least the beginning. The post scripts are pretty funny in my opinion. 

Remember to REVIEW!

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Glorfirien

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	4. Heh Whoops Sorry?

**Bons Mots**

Glorfirien

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Summary: "The voice really did tell me to do it. I swear. She's very persuasive." (Thus follows a collection of letters which were mentioned in Why Me? which should be read prior to this for full understanding. Humor.)

* * *

Disclaimer: (Which is the wonderful work of another author. It seems to be as official as one can get so thanks to that person who helps us newbies sound all official-like) The characters mentioned in this story are the property of Showtime and Gekko Film Corp. The Stargate, SG-I, the Goa'uld and all other characters who have appeared in the series STARGATE SG-1 together with the names, titles and back story are the sole copyright property of MGM-UA Worldwide Television, Gekko Film Corp, Glassner/Wright Double Secret Productions and Stargate SG-I Prod. Ltd. Partnership. This fanfic is not intended as an infringement upon those rights and solely meant for entertainment. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author.

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To: Dr. Lee

From: Cindy "I'm Very Sorry" Cardenas

Re: The Appropriation of Your Vehicle

You don't know me and I don't know you but I really must explain myself and apologize.

I was in a bind. A pickle. I was in more of a situation than Frodo when he found out he…well never mind.

The voice in my head told me to do it.

I know I know. That's what everyone says. But the voice really did tell me to do it. I swear. She's very persuasive.

I didn't want to because it was supporting theft but desperate times call for desperate measures.

The voice said that it wasn't exactly stealing but "commandeering" and I'm inclined to agree because hey you got your car back! It isn't being stripped down by a gang or being driven by unsavory characters to Mexico.

I'll have to pay you back for the money I uh…requisitioned. It was for a good cause!

You know you really shouldn't keep your keys in your car like that.

Next time it might not be a nice inter-dimensional traveler in need of a car to escape the uber-secret government installation but an actual thief!

And then where would you be?

I can't make up for whatever inconveniences I've caused you but I hope you take a token of my heartfelt apologies.

Next time you turn on your car (as long as those prissy people haven't totally torn it apart) crank up the volume and enjoy the sensual and pulsing beat of the Shakira CD I've left for you. Unwind. Kick back. Live a little!

Sincerely,

Cindy Cardenas

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End Letter 4

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Short, I know. I really couldn't think of much to write for Dr. Lee which is probably why this took me so long. I hope I got a few laughs. 

NEWSFLASH: READ MY NEW FIC **_What If?_** IT'S RELATED TO THIS SERIES!

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